My friends - well, some of - well, those who don't read this... - ooh, actually, no, some who read this, too - hmmm... - are convinced that I'm just a jealous cow. Let me explain.
Actresses. As a rule of thumb, not a big fan. I mean, I recognize when they're good actresses, when they act well, and everything, but as soon as they're off the silver screen, uh-oh.
They're either too dumb, too shallow, too dumb, too braindead (not the same as too dumb), too pretentious, too ooh-I-think-I-know-a-thing-or-two-about-world-politics-but-but-but-oh-no-I'm-TOO-DUMB... You get the gist, right? And you agree, right?
So my friends (but should I still call them my friends after their show of bad faith?) are of the (oh how misguided) opinion that I'm jealous. Er, no.
Not true. Libel, I say! Slander! I mean most of them (actresses, not my friends, don't go putting words in my mouth, now) are dumb, and I used to do a mean (in both senses) impersonation of Emmanuelle Béart - I can't anymore now that she has a duckbill in lieu of a mouth, my talents just don't extend that far - but surely that doesn't mean that I'm jealous.
And to prove it, I give you Kate Beckinsale. I like that girl. She's gorgeous, she's simple, she's funny. I like her.
Then again, I don't think she's a very good actress. Oh my god. They may be right.