23 octobre 2005

Spoke too soon, eh

Turns out happyishness might be a bit trickier than I thought.
I realised this week-end that I have been living in a self-congratulating and self-deluded bubble all my own. Let me explain - and just so you're warned, this might be a bit hard emotionally, but please don't cry. I'm coping as best I can now, I'm strong enough to talk about it, but if you start crying, I will too, and I've done too much crying as it is already.
OK. Wow, I don't even know where to start. Anne, take a deep breath, it'll be fine. So. This week-end was going to be spent enjoying some me-and-my-flat time, just lolling about doing bits and bobs, at no rush, and it started really fantastically. The whole listening-to-music-and-eating-tartines-for-breakfast-while-catching-up-on-reading shebang. I felt great. Not even good, great. Close on delirious, even. And that's when the shit hit the fan...
I heard my singing voice.
It's horrible. Now, granted, I was at the time blaring Pearl Jam's Alive at the top of my lungs, which can never be flattering apart for Eddie Veder, but still.
As you read this, just know that
I am in fact devastated. Tissues are littering the floor, and I've even refused to pick up the phone, because I'm so scared of hearing it again, as the way I go "oui allô ?" is a little bit sing-song. Oh dear. Even typing the words is painful.
Understand, I am not mad at my voice for dumping me, it's its prerogative after all, even though I did think the both of us were in it for the long haul. I think it was the smoking that did it for it. After a while, it just couldn't take it anymore. Can't blame it. I just wish I could have had a little advance warning is all. Plus I'm so grateful it didn't leave me for another woman. That would have been way too much to bear. Well. At least I don't think it did.
To think only last week I was saying that I could be Bette Midler... Oh shit, maybe it was the comparison with Jessica Simpson that made it crack?!
And why did it have to be my voice?
Why wasn't it my laugh?
Now I'm at a loss as to how to win it back. I thought of appealing to its compassion, by resorting only to sign language until it condescended to come back, but will it ever the same if it does? Surely a reunion out of condescension cannot be a good thing. And only now do I realise that I never said to my voice that I loved it. I was always a little derogatory, a little dismissive of it, I always took it for granted. Never once did I say that I was grateful for what we had, never once paid it a genuine compliment.
I miss you voice, please come back...

Urgh. as in update (sorta)
HaloScan is having the mother of all crashes, it seems. So, on the off chance that you were going to post a comment, don't think I'm banning you. I'm not. Or maybe I am, but that's not the point right now.

Woo-hoo, as in update, bis
It appears HaloScan's working again. Thank whoever for forums.

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