07 mai 2006

The world might not be my oyster, but it's a definite mussel

You know that feeling you get sometimes, like you're lying in a hospital bed and your brain is superpowerful and can make planes crash just because the people that visit you get on your nerves?
No? It's just Richard Burton and me, then?
Well, count your blessings, darlings. Because I do, and it ain't a pleasant one.
Yeah, OK, it is, kind of, because of the all-powerfulness. But still.
Let's go back a couple of months. I was invited to a party that I didn't really want to go to, so when asked if I was coming, I made up an excuse that I had other plans, previously arranged, with former colleagues of mine. A lie, then, and badly fumbled at that. Shame on me, all right.
BUT...! Crime does pay some times. The same evening that I had made sure I was going to hell for fibbing, I got a text message, from a former colleague, inviting me to a party on the day that the other party was planned.
Coincidence? Probably. But spooky, right?
Well, wait, 'cause it certainly gets better.
So Friday, I wrote here that my building was on the verge of collapse, threatening "millions of innocent passers-by". I believe those were approximately my exact words?
Yeah.
Well, it hasn't exactly collapsed, because then I'd be in a straitjacket somewhere cackling that the world is mine, miiiiiine, mwahahaha...
Nevertheless,- No one ever uses nevertheless, it seems. Why? I think I'm going to make it my mission to use it more. Nevertheless, then, on Saturday afternoon, as I was getting ready to... oh that's right, do nothing, I got a phone call from a friend, telling me that firemen were all over the place outside of the building. Needless to say, I was outside in a flash.
Yeah, OK, so "in a flash" might be a slight exaggeration.
Hey, it was firemen, all right? You can't really blame a girl for wanting to look good in those circumstances.
So it turns out that a chunk of one of the balconies had fallen down on the pavement.
I kid you not.
After the initial shock of realizing that the building was indeed a threat to innocent people everywhere, after the initial thrill of seeing firemen and talking to them, after I'd almost fainted from hyperventilating, after all that, I felt like I was
lying in a hospital bed and my brain was superpowerful and I could make planes crash.
So now I'm thinking lottery numbers, I'm thinking imminently successful applications in New York, I'm thinking handsome men vying for my attention, I'm thinking don't screw with me, destiny, because I can certainly screw you back.
Apparently.